Dechatta!

Literally

2011-05-02T13:43:00.002+01:00

What a ridiculous word.

lit·er·al·ly (ltr--l)
adv.
1. In a literal manner; word for word: translated the Greek passage literally.
2. In a literal or strict sense: Don't take my remarks literally.
3. Usage Problem
a. Really; actually: "There are people in the world who literally do not know how to boil water" (Craig Claiborne).
b. Used as an intensive before a figurative expression.
Usage Note: For more than a hundred years, critics have remarked on the incoherency of using literally in a way that suggests the exact opposite of its primary sense of "in a manner that accords with the literal sense of the words." In 1926, for example, H.W. Fowler cited the example "The 300,000 Unionists ... will be literally thrown to the wolves." The practice does not stem from a change in the meaning of literally itselfif it did, the word would long since have come to mean "virtually" or "figuratively"but from a natural tendency to use the word as a general intensive, as in They had literally no help from the government on the project, where no contrast with the figurative sense of the words is intended.

Now I also have a HUGE problem with 3. Literally is NOT a fucking intensive. I have heard people say stuff like "I was literally as high as a kite". You were 20 feet off the fucking ground, were you, you illterate? I challenge its usage at all times and in all contexts.

However, this raises the question of language evolution. Words mean what they are used for. Perfect example - the word 'gay'. It has evolved several times, and always to include new meanings - some of which I do not like and, again, challenge at all times.

This may be the first time that a word has evolved to start to mean its own opposite though. I find that unique. Literally.

First fail

2011-04-23T08:42:00.001+01:00

And the first property I was going to view today has just cancelled it :( Ffs.

BT Infinity speed + Houses

2011-04-23T08:30:00.003+01:00

Sp, my speed has maxed out around 29mbs, which is pretty fucking fast. However, there are drawbacks. It seems to take FOREVER to make the first DNS connection. Can't yet decide which device that is that's being shit, but meh. Other thing - constant blips in connection for no apparant reason. It's really odd. If I happen to be watching streaming cam or video (don't ask, I'll explain later ;) then it often breaks it, depending on the quality of the flash app. It always buggers my MSN and logs me out. I wonder if the IP address is suddenly flipping... I might investigate that.

Anyway, in real life, I'm looking for a house to buy. FUCK ME mortgages are expensive :@ I'm not a wealthy queen, so would struggle to stump up more than 10% deposit. 90% LTV mortgages are upwards of 4.5%. This is painful. Wouldn't it be nice to have 25% deposit, then I could pick n choose.

Either way, I still have to get a bank to agree to give me the shit in the first place. Think I'll try my bank first. And no, I'm not gonna tell you who they are ;)

Shameless Plug

2011-04-23T08:05:00.001+01:00

For someone else... :)

Seth had his previous log blasted by Google, in one of their usually splendid blog-deleting decisions. Odd cos I certainly don't remember any porn on there at all, and I have FAR more explicit shit on here... So anyway, here is his new one.

Members

2011-01-11T05:08:00.001Z

I just cleaned up the member list for here. Lotsa crap in there, wow.

Final speed?

2011-01-02T20:07:00.001Z

Should have finished training by now...

2010-12-31T07:54:00.001Z

2010-12-28T12:06:00.001Z

hmm....



That's rather down.

2010-12-27T17:28:00.000Z



Slightly unstable at this speed, especially with ps3 network :(

2010-12-25T02:46:00.000Z



I'll get bored of doing these. But as you can see it's getting quicker!

2010-12-24T13:44:00.001Z



Hurray, something like a decent speed.  I hope this isnt just cos its 1.44pm on xmas eve and every other fucker is out buying shitemas presents.

2010-12-23T12:33:00.001Z

2010-12-23T07:13:00.001Z

2010-12-22T18:14:00.001Z



We're getting there... slowly... :)

2010-12-22T12:35:00.001Z

a few hours later...

2010-12-21T19:14:00.001Z

Wow

2010-12-21T12:58:00.002Z

15 months (or so) since I last blogged. Feck me.

I moved for the 5th or 6th time in 5 years - I am actually now starting to lose count. I got BT Infinity. When the engineer was here yesterday, I was recording speeds of 34mb. Now look at this:

Quite a change, n'est-ce pas? I'll be posting a daily update image of my speed over the next 10 days til the line has trained fully. Then I'll have something to shout at BT about :D

Sony...

2009-10-02T15:55:00.002+01:00

... are evil robbing bastards. Like every other big company out there, especially IT ones.

http://arstechnica.com/gaming/reviews/2009/10/psp-go-review-sony-is-charging-you-much-more-for-much-less.ars

If anyone reading this is primed to get a PSP Go - DO NOT! From what's presented in the above link Sony are just trying to screw us for as much money they can get for as little actual "product" as necessary. Can you say Microsoft?

Well, thats not really fair. Microsoft use FUD (Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt) and other nasty marketting techniques to leverage their significant majority share in their markets to get people to buy overpriced, shitly written, and heavily buggy software.

But I'm not bitter ;)

Anyway, my favourite line of the article above is this:

If you buy a PSP Go, I suggest bringing another video game along to keep yourself occupied while you wait for it to allow you to play something.

Classic :D

Share...

2009-09-29T10:52:00.001+01:00

http://www.flickr.com/photos/powerpig/3963447104/sizes/o/

Had to share this :+)

Months...

2009-09-24T01:33:00.002+01:00

Bless me bloggers, it's been 2 months since my last blog. I sit here naked at my pc at 1.33am cos I can't sleep. I can't sleep cos of boys - as usual. For the first time in ages, I can't stop thinking about Alex :( Saw a recent pic of him shirtless - he's gone and got himself hairy. Don't ask where/how I saw it ;)

As I sit here, I contemplate my existence and find it pitiful.

Struggling...

2009-07-26T10:53:00.003+01:00

... to find anything interesting or even slightly diverting to put in the blog these days. The Alex situation is completely dead and buried. I haven't spoken to him since January or thereabouts. I haven't even had contact with his mother since about February.

I suppose I could tell you that I moved house in May. I was given 2 months notice that the landlord of where I was wanted occupancy. Turns out he wanted to sell it. I found a house to move to (more expensive, but a house now rather than a flat), who wanted me in quite quickly, so I negotiated a departure in 1 month from the old place. Moved in here with the help of lots of people - I'm such a facile fucker, there's no way I could ever do it on my own. Nearly 3 months in here now, and I'm reasonably settled. Certainly happened quicker than at the flat. Had 2 visitors to stay already: my mum (ofc), and a nice 19 yr old that I've known since he was like 2. Nothing sexual tho - he is quite adamant that will never happen. *sigh* I can see his point of view tho...I am to all intents and purposes his Auntie and, as he says, it would feel like incest ;)

Life continues shittily.

Nobbled...

2009-07-03T21:17:00.002+01:00

I think I've been nobbled in a job :( I'm a little put out :(

Hmm

2009-06-29T12:15:00.004+01:00

You know you have far too much of an online presence when you get more birthday greetings from social networking websites than u do from actual people. And yes, today, I've had 2 people (my mum and my nan) say happy birthday, and emails from 4 sites. *sigh*

Oh wait, when I got up, there was an msn from a 16 yr old lad with an 8" cock said happy bday. and he's straight *sigh again*

Hugs...

2009-04-27T22:55:00.000+01:00

Everyone needs one. I know I do

Bless...

2009-04-16T14:36:00.002+01:00

... me, readers, for I have sinned. It's been 9 days since my last blog.

Life has been peculiar. Up and down (like my last post). I'm over old things, on new things, and having to move house. My landlord wants me out so he can sell the place. Found a new place with bigger bedrooms and a much smaller living room. Hmm. Swings and roundabouts. I had just started to get everything in place here, too :(

My self-employed work has run dry. I have enough for maybe another month or 2 from now. thats not good. On the other hand, my games work has a new project to do, which is nice, but won't pay for probably 6 months and more, if at all. I have a personal project to work on - a new email server (I'm calling it Cordelia), which will be great fun to do, IF I can get motivated to do it.

I don't know if there's anything good I can put in here. Have my eye on a boy, but it's just repeating the Alex pattern, tbh. Everyone I speak to online with that in mind is repeating that same pattern. *sighs*

Up...

2009-04-06T11:53:00.002+01:00

... n down, still. Losing my enthusiasm for blogging entirely :( Feeling very very lonely the last few days - someone was supposed to visit me, but the whole event got blocked. Nothing good ever happens to me lately.

Headache...

2009-03-28T04:57:00.003Z

... I got a big one. er, headache that is ;) I would never brag about the size of anything else on here :)

Depression is kinda on hold atm. Its 5am and I haven't been to bed - I've been arranging books, dvds and cds downstairs. It's looking like someone lives here now. The headache is almost certainly cos my body wants me to sleep - I ain't gonna let it though. I've decided to stay up all night and try and get stuff done. I'll let you know what time I finally collapse :)

Depression...

2009-03-24T22:05:00.003Z

the anger has transformed now into the deepest blackest depression ive had in some time. i can barely open my eyes. my arms feel like they spring from someone elses torso. i havent eaten, and probably wont. i tell people and they say you must eat. im just like w/e. i feel hungry but it has no effect on me. the flame and the void, the oneness.

i need answers to these depressions. coping strategems. ways out. music isnt working. books arent working. films, tv, porn, warcraft, games - nothing penetrates. all my usual comedians: bill bailey, eddie izzard, tim minchin - at best they raise a tiny veneer of smile, which washes away instantly under the mire of dross.

what can i do

Bastard?

2009-03-24T21:12:00.004Z

I think the opening sentence of my previous post was not sufficient. Bastard is just not the right word. CUNT. Now that's the right word. I won't link you the offending cunt's blog (but the eagle-eyed among you may notice there is now one fewer link in my blog list at the right - yep, that;s the one), but he is a cunt plain and simple. I am linked in his blogroll, so he should read this - YOU FUCKING CUNT!!!

It's so incredibly rare that I feel so bad as to flame with this level of utter mindrotting, eyepinking hatred, so I suppose I should congratulate the cunt for doing what only about 1 other person has managed (yes, that other one was Alex).

To everyone that isn't a cunt, I apologise for the excess of this post. It is, in part, an attempt to reduce my feelings to the level of a towering inferno of seething rage. I don't think it's working.

Bastards...

2009-03-23T11:53:00.002Z

Why do people have to be bastardly? And in the words of Lily Allen "Why cant we all, all just be honest?"

On that note, I got the new Lily Allen album and the new Prodigy Album. Anyone that knows me would say that from the two, I would have much preferred the Prodigy. They would be quite wrong. I LOVE the Lily Allen, as much as I loved her last album. I think the Prodigy have produced a ball of shite. :D My reasons are thus.

Since their inception, the Prodigy has pushed boundaries outwards, and each album has been a totally new experience. They have kept their sense of self alive. Whilst, personally, I feel their live experience isn't the most fabulous, it has always been worthy. Let's examine briefly the albums to date.

1991: Experience. A true rave album, with Liam Howlett's splendid breakbeats. Before the concept of "Rave" even began to die out, The Prodigy were already exploring the future of dance.

1994: Music for the Jilted Generation. Advancing further, and a response to legal events (cf Their Law, in response to the Criminal Justic and Public Order Act 1994, which criminalised raves and therefore rave music). Certainly the most "political" album.

1997: The Fat of the Land. The Prodigy here begins to meld their dance with much "harder" forms of music. This album caused some large controversy with first Firestarter and then Smack my bitch up. The album also had a large amount of collaboration with external artists.

2004: Always Outnumbered, Never Outgunned. More collaborative efforts, harder sounds, strong beats. This album grew on me - initially, I didn't find a lot to like, and to this day, I still don't really appreciate Girls.

And now, 2009: Invaders Must Die. Here's my critique - What's changed? I hear no difference here from AONO. There's one or two tracks that manage to interest me, in particular Warrior's Dance, but the sound is exactly the same as their previous album. The band has said this alumb would go back to their "old-school but cutting edge" roots. I certainly don't see anything like that here at all. It's not cutting edge, because they already did all this 5 years ago.

I have tickets to go and see The Prodigy in april with my brother. I'm half tempted not to bother.

Down...

2009-03-05T09:34:00.002Z

.. down, down, and almost out.

I found out a few weeks ago that Alex has left home and is now living with his brother. At the same time I found out he has dumped his gf. It cheered me slightly. However, today I've discovered he has a new one. *sighs* I can't seem to let go properly.

150...

2009-03-04T15:10:00.001Z

... th post. Woo, I'm sure.

It upsets me when people stop talking to me for no reason. Fuck, it upsets me if there IS a reason. When someone that I have been getting on with and (I think) has been getting on with me just drops off msn for no reason (and I have no other way of contacting him) it gets me quite down. Nearly a week now. *sighs*

Hits...

2009-02-25T11:17:00.001Z

The number of hits that Dechatta gets per day seems inversely proportional to the posts I do. When I wasn't posting, the hits kept going up and up and hit a maximum of 1500 in 1 day. Now that I'm posting again, we're at half that. What an interesting corollary.

Alexander...

2009-02-24T23:41:00.002Z

So, in my last post, I gave you all the current entire text of "Alexander", my mini vampire story. As you can see, it's quite unformed. I know the general shape, I know what happens at the end, but I'm uncertain of how to get there from the beginning. I do know a few things I want to have happen, but it's rather defeating me somewhat.

I don't know anything about the writing process. The only things I've written before have been music :D I can do that. I can do that quite easily :+) I can't decide on a logical way to proceed that may ease my path through the Creative Jungle. Any help that anyone might give would be hugely appreciated :D

On a personal note, had an emotional 15 mins or so this evening. Wasn't terribly nice, ended up very teary. But never mind.

Searches...

2009-02-17T12:15:00.004Z

My first post in QUITE some time. My apologies for being absent. I haven't been absent from the blogosphere in general, just haven't been posting.

I had a look at my google analytics this morning. We've reached 50,000 hits. Yay, everyone blow a balloon or something. While there, I saw that since I started recording on analytics in october last year, I have had 11 hits from search engine results. This impresses me. What intrigues me is the search terms that were used that ended up here. Here's a list of the google searches:

dechatta (Well, this is farily obvious - its the name of the blog :+) This is 3rd on google results list)
russell tovey (I have mentioned him I think...)
being human (Russell Tovey is in this, so that follows)
vtunnel (this is a bit weird - I don't recall ever talking about vtunnel on this blog. I did a test google with vtunnel, and after 10 pages I couldn't find this blog on the list... go figure)
in bad mood trifle (FREAKY search term or wot???)

Interesting or wot? :+)

So, Life Update... I haven't spoken to Alex in quite some time - and it doesn't bother me. I think I've done it - I'm over him. What a fucking train-wreck that whole thing was. On the other hand, I continue to make the same mistake and pursue people who aren't gonna respond favourably. It's probably psychological. Meh. As a result, I have been somewhat up and down emotionally. Had a setback yesterday, but I'm over it somewhat now, and hope to recover the setbacked ... thing soon.

Self-employment continues apace. Invoiced the company I'm doing things for yesterday and got payment for it today. Rock On! I'll do more work for them, I think :D The other company I did stuff for has told me to "wait". That worries me. For one thing, there's an outstanding invoice with them. For the other thing, I really wanted to give it a good go what they wanted. But it is my own fault for taking 6 fucking weeks to get back to them about it. *sigh* I definitely need to be more disciplined if I'm gonna succeed and get work and stuff. Next thing is where the hell do I go for more stuff to do! If anyone out there is a successful IT Consultant or similar, gimme a shout please? :D Advice needed!

Ok, the poll I put up about my story Alexander suggested that the vast majority of you feel I should start writing it again. I found a file from about 5 years ago of what there was then. I think I did some more after this, but those changes are long gone. Here is the current state of Alexander.

Alexander is an old, old man. Yet, unlike most old, old men he doesn’t have white hair or a wrinkled face. He does tend to think about life and death quite a lot – mostly death, but that’s to be expected: he is a vampire, after all. Alex has been alive, or at least in existence, for some three thousand years, as near as he can remember.

Many people don’t appreciate the difficulties facing an ancient vampire in the modern world. If a person dies, especially with odd-looking marks on the neck, all sorts of questions are asked. A vampire has to be much cleverer nowadays than simply plucking people off the street. This is one reason that Alex started using the Internet a year ago. That, and the odd fascination that he felt the first time he saw a computer, monitor lit up, DVD-ROM whirring incessantly, keyboard clacking away under the diligent fingers of its user. It seemed so inert and yet full of life – an exact opposite of Alex himself, so empty of life and yet still quite active. He decided he wanted more of this artificial life.

Getting hold of a computer isn’t difficult for a creature that can turn into gas at will or mesmerize people. Setting up the damnable thing on the other hand was quite a challenge, even with the so-called “Instructions”, which turned out to be diagrams with any written words whatsoever. In any case, Alex did manage to switch the computer on, and there it was, glowing at him brightly.

One advantage that vampires have over other ordinary people is the fact that they don’t need to sleep. Oh, it may be handy once in a while to have a nap in a coffin, but essentially, the only reason a vampire really does use a coffin is to get away from the sunlight, which tends to toast them a little too well. Alex uses this time to learn about computers instead. In fact, in the year that he has owned (by right of theft, of course) his computer, Alex has read a huge number of books on the subject.

----------

He looked at his image - not in a mirror, for obvious reasons, but on the monitor showing the capture from his webcam. It had been a very long time indeed for such a pretty man to go without seeing himself, but finding that certain cameras showed his image as well as any human’s was without a doubt the best thing about computers. Obviously, being a vampire and therefore naturally adorable, he didn’t need to see himself, and he had the option of overpowering the mind of a feeble human and looking out through their eyes, but this way was much easier – and in some ways very similar: looking out through the eyes of the camera brought him even closer to technology.

Let me know what you think. :D

Closure

2009-02-02T08:08:00.001Z

There's a sign on the front door of England which says "Closed due to a snowflake" :)

Indeed...

2009-01-30T17:38:00.000Z

30k...

2009-01-28T21:23:00.002Z

Just topped 30,000 hits, according to Statcounter - Google Analytics has slightly less, but meh.

I'm backsliding somewhat today. Tried to have a solo moment earlier thinking about Alex, but ruined it because my mind inevitably moved to what a twat he was to me over the last year. And now I'm on a rapid descent to depression, once again. And now I can't stop thinking about him.

Moo...

2009-01-27T00:29:00.003Z

Ok, so after last night's half-bottle of bacardi and half-bottle of midori, this morning I didn't have a headache, but I was a little troubled in the stomach arena. This settled a bit by lunch and by evening I was fine once more. Fortunately, my work colleague called off the idea of me going to work at his house for 3 days cos his entire household is ill - so I didn't have to drive while very likely still over the limit :D

I know my blogging of late has been rather sparse. I dunno why really - I hope I'm not waning on the whole concept of blog-writing. I still read all the blogs I follow whenever there's updates, and a few I don't follow but know a path to get to :) ie the one's that I follow but I don't want them to KNOW I follow... does that make sense? Is it too cloak and dagger? Am I overanalysing again? OF FUCKING COURSE I AM! I overanalyse everything, even the fact that I'm writing this very sentence :D

I'm chipper this evening (morning, its 00:31 atm) it seems, and that's good. Currently, things seem up. I'm getting over Alex - THANK the Lord. Taken me long enough. I'm sure I will still be crying about him in 20 years time, but w/e :D I have pretty much no contact with the whole family now, which is making it a whole lot easier. My ties to the north of England are being eroded away gradually.

Speaking of which, my Nan had a fall over a week ago. She's 88 now and still lives on her own, albeit in what I think they might refer to as "managed" accomodation, tho there is no management :) A "warden" of sorts visits her daily Mon-Fri to be sure she's ok - the woman that goes actually lived two floors above my dad and I when I still lived in Blackburn. She's a nice woman and I spoke to her last week. I'm confident that Nan is getting at least some observation that I can't provide while I'm down in the god-forsaken South :D

I watched Being Human last night, whilst progressing through the bottles of alcohol. I enjoyed it quite a lot. Russell Tovey (semi-hot out gay actor) playing the werewolf was very good, and very naked in a few scenes :D The vampire wasn't QUITE pretty enough for me - he could have done with a good shave, ffs! But as I watched it, I was reminded of the fact that about 5 years ago I started writing a mini story (so mini it can't even be called a Short story) about a vampire. I started it very well (and have now lost the file, I think), and I knew how the end should be, but I just couldn't work out how to get from A to B. Or A to Z, in fact :D As I watched the telly, ideas popped in my head. Maybe I should give the writing another bash, see what comes out. I'll make a poll about it - you can decide for me, eh? :D

I set a new "personal message" on MSN today of "Everyone Leaves". This is a message with many facets. It encapsulates my distress at the tendency for friends to drift apart. My brother recently "split" from one of his oldest friends, who he has known for 15 years or more. This wasn't a drifting tho, it was a sudden tearing of the relationship centred around my brother's fiancé. However, I do find that relationships are fluid - and it distresses me. The people I was firm and close friends with 5 years ago I now almost never speak to. Even now, the boys I talk to on msn shift and change as time goes on. They get girlfriends (I think 99.99% of the people I talk to are str8, ffs), and those gf become more important to them than talking to little ole me. Ah me, sad hours seem long.

Bollocks. What was a happy and upbeat post and dived down into the deep dark waters of maudlin.

On the other hand, here's a link to Ryan's Blog - Behind My Closed Door. I like his writing. He's another (Yes ANOTHER) mac user. :) I pointed him at Mercury Messenger, which I feel is better than the crappy MSN Messenger for Mac, because for one thing, it has some webcam support rather than none :) I recommend Mercury for all Mac-heads that want to MSN.

I've made the mini-story poll ---> Do vote :+)

Ta-ta!

(A quick Justin Long picture :+)

drynk

2009-01-26T01:05:00.002Z

ok,. im WELL Drunk. fuck. its fab. not been this bad in a month. woo!!!! I've had thoughts of alex while drunk - and i dont care. hurray :D fuck him, and his little bitch. fuck them bothj.

and u kn what,. james too... too far? what the fuck ever. i give a shit.

and ross. fuck. and rob. fuck THEM ALL!!!! all the ones who break my fucking hart. fuck em all;.

Political...

2009-01-16T12:12:00.003Z

So, it was all media fear all... And despite the findings, at least one government is going ahead with mandatory internet censorship regardless. YAY! Wankers.

Ok, so that's as political as I can be bothered to get :+)

Choons

2009-01-15T23:30:00.000Z

Light...

2009-01-13T21:08:00.002Z

Ok, so... I'm out (I think) of that pretty nasty trough of depression I was in... lasted a long time - nearly a week. Not good. But I'm up somewhat now, and having some pc issues. Cpu is tending to overheat quite a lot. I got a new power supply - due to the motherboard needing a particular connector, I had to get a 1000watt psu - HUGE Overkill. Its violently loud and seems to make the CPU overheat worse :( I can't play Half Life now, cpu overheats almost immediately. Theres also some memory issues - this is probably whats preventing me from re-installing World of Warcraft. Ah well. I might have to work instead.

Speaking of which, I'm going self-employed. It's gonna be a blast, I'm sure. Especially since I doubt I can live off the work I'm getting in, but hey. Better than the dole, by a long way :D

About the only person I speak to regularly (like daily) on msn now is a str8 16 yr old boy I know from Warcraft. How pitiful is that? Wish I had self-confidence, self-esteem. Wish I didn't absolutely HATE even slightly-crowded places (you know, like pubs, nightclubs etc) Someone suggested I should get the videocam out and post on xtube - then I'd get offers. I can't imagine anyone would wanna see that, bloody ell, it's scary enough for me! :D

Meh. Who cares. I've got my right hand, eh? :D

Clarification...

2009-01-09T22:08:00.001Z

To clarify my last post - I've had enough of people treating me like shit. Which is to say every fucker. I can only take so much before ... well, what happens happens.

Enough...

2009-01-08T19:02:00.000Z

I've had enough of shit.

Meeting...

2009-01-05T16:03:00.005Z

(Warning - this is a Geek-Heavy post)

Just had a business meeting with the folk I wrote a warehouse database for last year. Went very well indeed. Seems they want to have an "extended relationship" with me, which is nice. I have a new project to think about with them and send them some vague timescale and costs for this week. This is in addition to the stuff I'm doing atm. The new thing will be my first proper foray into a Web Application, as I've convinced them that such is the best way forward. Woo, how exciting - it'll be C#/ASP.NET stuff: which is EXACTLY what I've been avoiding getting into for a long time now. I can't count the number of times I refused to be put forward for a job over the last 3 months because it was ASP. Ah well, Time (and technology) moves on, and those that don't move with it get crushed under his wheels.

As I wrote this post, I was listening to Down Under by Men At Work. What a fine tune :)

Dominatrix...

2009-01-04T23:26:00.004Z

Weird conversation going on with a 22 yr old I know from world of warcraft. He's straight. Now for the weird bit....

He says he wants me to abuse him :) Well, to be particular, he said "If I come to visit you, I want you to abuse me". He was quite drunk when he said this, but... its a topic he and I have touched on previously. So I said to him "What do you want me to do to you?". And he said "i've not really thought that far ahead, but i like being hurt n not being in control". And then....

"Think of it as rape, except I wont phone the police."

Well, now. :) What an interesting turn that conversation took! After that, he didn't say anything more - I wonder if he shocked himself into complete silence, or whether he just conked out from the beer :D Problems - I'm not a top, I never have been; I don't have any bondage equipment at all - cos again, not really something that has tickled my fancy in the past; he's str8 - actually, is that a problem? I'm not sure :D

So, I did a search for handcuffs and found this site. Oh my sweet singing lord, there are some fucked up people out there, I tell you :D

So, I've put up a poll - do you think I should do this or not? :) Nothing has been put in motion as yet... Feel free to comment here with reasons arguing one way or the other :)

Busy...

2009-01-04T12:06:00.002Z

... day yesterday for Dechatta! it seems.... 752 hits! I'm goddamn amazed :D Thanks, all you blog-hungry folk out there :D

Cold...

2009-01-03T21:06:00.003Z

I just biked 2.5 miles home with no cloud cover and REALLY really cold temperatures. Even my DICK is cold, cos the chill just got everywhere. I'm typically english - I don't like cold and I don't like hot ;) Went to Egypt with my dad about 7 years ago (I think), in January and it was too hot for me then ;)

I want someone here to warm me up manually :D

Still...

2008-12-31T23:21:00.005Z

... here. Despite all the shite I'm being put through - again. Less said, the better currently, I think.

Just came from a house filled with loud children and boring adults (mostly boring anyway) - fuck me, that was irritating. Only one person worth a look at, and he's straight (I'm pretty certain he is anyway), and I wouldn't go there even if he was gay (... er... probably ;+)

Added a new link to Equal Eight in me little bloglist. Unique and interesting, I think.

I am watching channel 4 - it's the Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2008. No one especially interesting in it really. Seen it twice before and the first time was best with the 2 goths whose names I have forgotten. But bleh.

I should make a point that this post is NOT my "Last Post Of The Year", cos for fucks sake - It's a day like any bastard other. I am SO filled with mega Bah Humbuggery right now, you've no idea. Anyway, don't wanna end on a pissed-off note, so here's some boys. :D

Another...

2008-12-30T14:53:00.001Z

... rejection

Ending

2008-12-30T10:36:00.004Z

I think I want to delete this blog, delete my msn account, delete my warcraft account - anything that gives people access to me. I've been hurt again and I've had enough of it. The loneliness is easier to deal with than this, it really is.

Actually, I'm gonna sit here til I waste away.

10k

2008-12-29T19:55:00.002Z

Woohoo :D Dinged 10,000 hits yesterday witha massive 626 views :D I'm quite happy :+)

More so than I am now that I'm back at home. I haven't YET started to miss my Mum, but its SO fucking cold in the flat. Cos I was going away for a week, I turned off the heating. The thermomabob (heh) showed me 14 degrees when I stepped in. After 2 hours of heating, it's up to 18. This is taking forever. I need it to be 24 at least!!! I'm so cold blooded sometimes :D

Took me a VERY long time to get home. First off, I took my sister to her bf's in Lancashire. That was interesting. The trip was ok, and when we got there, he came out to the car to get her stuff. _I_ lifted it out of the car and gave it to him - he didn't say a fucking word to me. Ok, this was first time we met, but she didn't say "jHorner, this is Boyfriend, Boyfriend this is jHorner". She just said "Have a nice trip home" and they both fucked off into the house. Oh great, thought I. It's fucking ok, I don't need to sit and rest after 3 hours driving you here, do I? So, not best pleased with her just now.

Then the rest of the drive back down to Reading was tiresome, mostly. The M6 heaved, the M40 had congestion at J10-9, so I took a detour down the A34 instead. Being on the M40 is always interesting - when passing through Warwickshire, I tend to think about someone I have my eye on ;) And he knows I do, and sometimes reads this blog :D

Anyway, I'm sat here with frost developing on my pubes (I think ;+) so I'm gonna go do something to dislodge it ;)

Mood

2008-12-28T22:25:00.002Z

I've crashed emotionally again. People say to me that it's al up to me - only I can control my mood. But I just can't. I'm at the mercy of the actions of a host of other people - if they're good to me (or, more peevishly, if they give me what I want) then I'm in a good mood. If they don't, then I'm in a bad mood. And often, when I'm down, I get self-destructive. I take actions that I know I will regret later, or that hurt me directly. My self-destructiveness today has involved deleting a bunch of folk from my msn - including Alex. The Alex bit is probably more self-preservation than self-destruction, but the rest is just self-harming without a sharp object.

I wonder if one actually can be an emotional self-harmer.

Oh, and being type-2 diabetic... I ate an entire Haagen Dazs, 2 scones, some trifle and now im pigging out on Roses chocolates........ See you when I wake up from my coma, assuming I don't end up blind.

Nearly...

2008-12-28T21:25:00.002Z

... 10,000 hits! Wow! Where did you all come from. That's pigging marvellous :+) I checked my stats and today there have been like 522 hits. I'm utterly astounded. Maybe what I write is interesting to at least a few people :) Does make me want to write more, which is handy :+)

*loves and kisses to you all*

To celebrate, here's a pic lent to me by Nettle. And some funny cats.

Stuck...

2008-12-28T15:38:00.002Z

... for things to blog about. Sat here watching School of Rock (it's ok, not that fab, I think), and wanted to blog something to thank all you folk that follow it, but I can't think of anything to talk about. How sucky?

Ok, here goes. I've been away from home 6 days now, and I will be glad to get home. But I'm gonna miss having people around. Plus, when I get home, I gotta get to work properly on this php project I'm doing (and maybe even getting paid for, eventually). It's been really nice to vegetate for a month, but I'm getting bored with everything I have been doing :+) Even World of Warcraft! How pants is that? Anyway, once I get back into doing work-like stuff, I might get my geekish projects back off the ground, and start re-exercising my brain.

I have decided to _try_ and exercise at least a little - if I can do an hours walk every day, that'd be a good start. I'm gonna do that for a month, and then maybe see what happens from there. Apparantly, it makes you feel better - I dunno, seems that every time I walk I get a backache and stuff. Let's see how it goes, eh? :D

The other bloke I blogged about last time, that I started to kinda lose my head over - he cut me dead, pretty much. *sighs* He's gonna get a bf soon, I expect, from what he has been saying. Well, at least someone can get some. Was just saying to Seth that I don't know a single gay person exccept online. How sad is my life?

Well, for a person that hadn't a clue what to write 10 minutes ago, I seem to have writtena fuckload! When I get home, I'll put some more pictures up - I'll find some nice ones for you all :D

Bah...

2008-12-26T18:26:00.003Z

... Humbug! (see http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=gM_ZWiG5jE4 for a humorous bah humbug)

Had an unproductive day today, apart from making my lovely chicken pasta and white sauce for everyone here, which was fun. It nearly went tits up, but the chicken came (as it were) alright at the end.

Back to my brother's soon to get ratarsed :D That'll be entertaining I expect. Then tomorrow, its off to Galashiels to buy some trainers, even though I can't really afford. And you never know, I might even get some work done at some point over the weekend :D Back home on monday - I'm sure I'll be glad to get there by then. Business meeting on tuesday that might be lucrative.

Managing not to dwell on Alex at all, which is good. :) However, I'm thinking too much about someone else now - again, someone that will never feel the same way about me. Spent like 2 or 3 hours online last night with him on cam, hoping he might do something entertaining - he didn't. Ay me, sad hours seem long.

Watched Mary Poppins on the telly earlier - nice to sing along while playing World of Warcraft, but the enchantment of it is fading for me now, after 30 years of watching it pretty much every year :D Looking forward to Interview with the Vampire tomorrow - Tom Cruise & Brad Pitt in a homoerotic fabulousness :D What more could one want. In fact, here is my favourite bit of the film - the homoeroticism between Lestat and the young fop, it sends me all peculiar :D

Not much else to say currently. Cya all inna bit :D

Everyone's...

2008-12-25T19:43:00.002Z

... doing it so why shouldn't I... posting on christmas day that is. Of course, to me, it's the same as any other fucking day - BAH BASTARD HUMBUG!!! I'm at my mum's wearing my Bah Humbug T-shirt and boxers. I love them.

Went to my brother's earlier, finally met my sister-in-law (she's fab) and got ROYALLY fucking drunk incredibly quickly. He plied me with rose wine, and I got so pissed it's just not true :D Fabulous, and I could barely walk after 2 hours :D Splendid. Didn't help that I hadn't eaten yet that day. But I'm still drunk now 6 hours or so later. Marvellous. Got more drunk than I have been in some 4 years.

Right this moment, mum has Coronation St on the telly - for fucks sake. I kinda half-slept through most of Emmerdale, thank fuck :D Did manage to have a good drool over the Tittensor lad in that tho - he's quite cute. If I was at home on my normal computer, I'd put a pic on here, but I'm on a laptop and have access to nothing :(

Going back to my brother's tomorrow evening for MORE alcohol. woohoo :D If you can't get wankered at this time of year, then you can't at any other identical time of the year, eh? :)

Oh, did I say - BAH HUMBUG! I hate christmas :) The ONLY good thing is that they put stuff on the telly that wouldn't normally make it, like lots of films and stuff. Does me nicely, does that :)

Anyroad, this has been a nicely random post. I'm somewhat surprised I haven't mistyped everything - you shoulda seen the texts i sent whilst pissed. Great fun :D

Alone

2008-12-20T11:46:00.004Z

Feeling it again. Living on my own, not seeing any folk from day to day. Now, I can barely even get people to talk to me on MSN. Either no one is on, or just no one answers me. It's not good for me at all.

I had a very bad moment yesterday. Had two bad dreams in the night - the first one I was being attacked in my dream (that's all I remember about it, now), and woke up hyperventilating. The second was worse - it was about my dad. I woke up from that one crying. It's the second time I've had that dream - I hope I don't dream like that again, it was horrid :( It fucked me up for the entire day. I rarely remember my dreams - and when I do, the memory of them fades quickly. This one is sticking around tho - I wish I could forget.

I'm sure some people will shout at me, but I added Alex to my MSN again. So I can see that he's ignoring me. He came online briefly yesterday for like 2 minutes if that. Fortunately, I wasn't at my pc, otherwise I probably would have been tempted to speak to him - that would have been a bad thing indeed.

Let's try some happier subjects. I love films a huge amount - I quite like "scary" horror films. One of my favourites is Event Horizon (I can't believe it was released in fucking 1997 - I FEEL OLD!!!) I recently bought the special collector's edition, and it's arrived. I'm watching it as a blog right now. Such a fine film. Paul W S Anderson at his very best. It's definitely much better than Resident Evil, which is one of my all-time favourite zombie films. PWS Anderson seems to be getting involved in a lot of game-to-film projects, which to be honest is a shame, cos I think it's a crappy, cheaty and shitty way of coming up with ideas for a film :) He did Mortal Kombat (which was his second film - his first was Shopping with the delectable Jude Law and Daniel Newman) - turned out kinda half-ok-ish, but mostly just pants with one or two decent fight scenes. Then Resident Evil (best game-to-film I've seen), then Aliens Vs Predator (probably the worst in the whole Aliens OR Predator series). Now he's going on to direct Spyhunter (from an 80s game, for those too young to remember), and also he's producing Castlevania and Resident Evil 4. RE2 & 3 were half-hearted pantsness, although 3 had the interesting distinction of having a now-fully-grown-up Christopher Egan (from Neighbours years ago). I am interestingly ambivalent on his work, now. There was a time I would have rushed to see a film directed by him - now, I'm not so sure.

As I'm writing this, I'm researching the data on IMDB, which is about the only non-porn/non-blog site that I visit nearly every day. I came across a link to a sequel to Transformers (Shia LaBeouf goodness) that's due for release 3 days before my 35th birthday next year. The first is ok. I have it here in my mega-dvd collection, and it's ok, but typical of hollywood sci-fi films - overreliant on special effects and less plot than an episode of Eastenders, and about as much characterisation. We can expect the same, most likely, from the second.

Tomorrow, I'm going to see The Day the Earth Stood Still - I know nothing about it at all, except that it's Keanu Reeves (oh yes :+) We'll see how I like it, and I may well blog it tomorrow when I get home :D

Final note for this unbelievably long post - I'm going up north for Christmas (BAH HUMBUG!!!), first to Wales to stay with my lesbian friends and their 3 sons, then on up to scotland to stay with my mother for 5 days or so. Be nice to be around people and not have to do things around the house :)

Ok, HERE'S the final note - some pictures :D

:(

2008-12-19T17:33:00.002Z

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7791210.stm

And in other news...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/south_yorkshire/7791427.stm

Tim...

2008-12-14T16:30:00.002Z

... Minchin ROX a fuckload.

Bugger

2008-12-11T19:00:00.004Z

I've been doing pretty well today. Occasional thoughts of He Who Must Not Be Named (yes, ok, Alex then, if you insist ;+) bring me down, but I think the power of these moments is diminishing, which is good. I'm getting there. He's been off my MSN now for 2 or 3 weeks and I haven't put him back on once - aren't I a good boy?

The title of this post is because I just got an email from my brother, which was a response to an email he got from our Aunt - my father's younger sister, which just brought all sorts of thoughts about dad into my head, and have me in tears :( I miss him a lot. I can't believe its 3 weeks short of 6 months now.

Update

2008-12-09T21:02:00.003Z

Ok, here's an update of my job situation.

I haven't got one. :D Yay! :+)

However, I do have the possibility of a variety of 3 contracts for 3 companies :) How fun is that? One of these is continuing extensions of the warehouse database I wrote last year - or was it this year? I can't remember now :+) The other 2 are for companies that Malcolm, who still works where I used to work, has contacts with - they need 3 products between them. One of them is also a warehouse-type program, wih barcodes. The others are completely different. Spice is the variety of life, as they don't say :D

Better

2008-12-09T07:41:00.002Z

I feel slightly better today - Seth helped by chatting to me this morning. I've been up since 5am (that magical time when my depressed brain decides it would like to torture me by having me awake) and I still feel somewhat down, but not as bad as the last 2 days.

So, to celebrate (gotta celebrate SOMETHING), here's some pictures:

Alone...

2008-12-08T19:42:00.004Z

... is how I feel right now. Completely :( This is my worst depression for some time. I wish I could throw it off, leave it behind me like a moth-bitten old coat. But its a strait-jacket - it has me tightly wrapped up, immobilised. Right now I'm struggling even to open my eyes :( even though I have a (str8 and non-naked) boy on msn cam right now, I feel nothing but darkness. I feel abandoned by everyone, though I know it's not the case. I haven't had any proper contact with anyone today: momentary exchanges is all, nothing worthwhile or extended. I feel ... pointless.

I hope I'm not crying when the Tesco man arrives with my shopping. In fact, I hope I'm able to get to the door when he does come.

Down...

2008-12-08T18:28:00.002Z

..., down, down and out.

I'm having a really really shitty time atm :( Very down. Can't get Alex out of my fucking head :( No one talking to me most of the time, fuck all to do all fucking day. I'm sat downstairs playing games. It's unbelievably boring :(

Music

2008-12-03T12:50:00.000Z

I just wrote a new piece. Started it last night and did about half, and then finished it off today. Wow. That's like really quick :+) And I don't think it will need lots of editting like John/Yellow did. It's fairly perfect! Woohoo :D

Personality?

2008-12-02T10:43:00.002Z

Razz did this test, so I thought I'd have a go too. No great surprises to me, really :D

Extraversion |||||| 30%

Stability |||||||||||| 50%

Orderliness |||||| 22%

Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 70%

Interdependence |||||||||||||||||| 76%

Intellectual |||||||||||||||||| 78%

Mystical || 10%

Artistic |||||||||||||||| 63%

Religious || 10%

Hedonism || 10%

Materialism |||||||||||| 43%

Narcissism |||||||||||||| 56%

Adventurousness |||||| 23%

Work ethic |||||||||||| 43%

Humanitarian |||| 16%

Conflict seeking |||||| 23%

Need to dominate || 10%

Romantic |||||||||||||| 56%

Avoidant |||||| 30%

Anti-authority |||||||||||| 43%

Wealth || 10%

Dependency |||||||||||| 50%

Change averse |||||||||||||||||||| 90%

Cautiousness |||||||||||| 43%

Individuality |||| 16%

Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 70%

Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||||| 76%

Family drive |||| 16%

Physical Activity || 10%

Histrionic |||||||||| 36%

Paranoia |||||||||||| 43%

Vanity |||||||||||||||| 70%

Honor |||||||||||||||||||| 83%

Thriftiness |||||||||| 36%

Stability results were medium which suggests you are moderately relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were low which suggests you are overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense too often of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

trait snapshot:
introverted, secretive, messy, depressed, does not like leadership, somewhat nihilistic, observer, does not make friends easily, unassertive, feels invisible, feels undesirable, hates large parties, does not like to stand out, leisurely, suspicious, submissive, abstract, unpredictable, intellectual, likes rain, likes the unknown, negative, weird, not a risk taker, unadventurous, avoidant, strange

Naughty

2008-12-01T22:46:00.002Z

I'm a very very naughty man. :)

I don't have much (ok, ANY) self-confidence, due to various reasons. I'm fat, bald, and not at all happy with myself physically. However, a week or 2 ago, I installed a webcam. And I actually showed myself on it.

And tonight... I showed someone my stiffy on cam. I SO can't believe I just did that!!! I'm so naughty and a slut :D

Low-down

2008-12-01T17:16:00.003Z

The Low-down on my current situation re: work, boys, and anything else that drops from my brain.

Malcolm and I are pretty much definite to do this 3-month thing, all that remains is to setup the IT infrastructure for us to work from, and then for me to talk money with David. Then, there's another contract that Malcolm and I may get involved in to do a Warehouse program with website for an office furniture place - hey, maybe I can get a new computer chair and desk from them :D Had lunch today with many of the folk from my old work - was nice.

Still nothing from Alex. There, I've said his actual name on here. I haven't even seem him online once since I was up there. Was talking to my friend Camille, who is currently on a ship in the Antarctic (Yes, I know!!!), who said a bunch of stuff: He plays with me. Only I can give him any power over me. I said to her that I worry that without Alex I have nothing - but this isn't true: I have my friends.

Sleep

2008-11-30T14:46:00.002Z

My sleep is all fucked up currently. Went to bed about 10pm last night, then Rob rang me about 10.30 asking what the film on channel 4 was (it was Ghosts of Mars - a cheesefest by John Carpenter). We were on the fone then for more than half an hour. And, for some odd reason I decided to watch the rest of it - at least, until I saw that the Stargate film was on BBC1. So I watched that instead. I wasn't awake for the whole thing, so I suppose I probably dropped to sleep finally around 1am. Was up bang on 5.05am, as I have been doing for a week. So my early morning waking is definitely in force.

So had a solo moment, then went on the pc and played world of warcraft for a bit. Around 10am started to feel REALLY crappy and immensely tired, so went back to bed - out like a fucking light :D Woke up at just before 2pm. So I've had 8 hours sleep, but broken, so I feel generally quite horrible. I know that if I go to bed earlier, I just won't fall asleep til late, and i'll just be led in bed thinking about A and other shit.

On the other hand, being up from 5am til 10am did allow me to complete a number of achievements on WoW :D yay :)

Rut

2008-11-27T15:29:00.003Z

I'm out of it. I think... ;)

Anyway, today I started programming again, starting the project with Malcolm, even though we
haven't even submitted a quote or anything :D I was so fedup of doing nothing but playing World of Warcraft, or lying in bed being bored and depressed. I feel SO much better now that I'm doing something productive again. Phew! :+)

Not only that, I'm doing it SO fast too - I'm a quick coder anyway, but I'm flying through this design. It's fab :D

(Haven't seen the bastard online since I was up there. Hooray, I think)

Random...

2008-11-26T02:26:00.003Z

... pictures.

Benefit...

2008-11-26T01:59:00.000Z

... of being up all the time is I get to read lots of blogs and stuff. I quite like this one - Old Holborn. Mind if you read it, the language is fucking disgraceful ;)

Awake

2008-11-26T01:35:00.002Z

Seth says that something worse than being jobless is being depressed AND jobless. I would agree. I have found something worse still - depressed, jobless AND insomniac. I ate a lot tonight, some of it almost decent. Then I had some personal time with battery operated equipment (if you ask me, I will tell you - so, beware!). Then spent most of the evening with some internal gastric distress, whether from the equipment or the food I'm unsure. It's still there now.

Alongside, started to get tired around 8.30pm, and by 10.30 was in bed attempting to sleep. Its now 1.40am and I haven't managed a wink. This is a relatively new development. Early Morning Waking has been my thing for over a year now (comes and goes a bit - its coming currently), but not being able to get to sleep in the first place - that's brand new. I don't want to see the doctor, cos he was a shit last time. He's the reason I'm NOT on anything now, not even the ones I'm supposed to be taking (statins and blood pressure shit).

Grasping...

2008-11-25T16:27:00.003Z

... the Nettle, I've decided to claim for all the benefits I can. Never thought I'd end up a state-sponger ;) www.entitledto.co.uk suggests I could get like 12k a year in benefits, which is like 2.5 times less than I was earning last week.

On the other foot is the shoe of Malcolm (that I worked with) and a contract job for a month or so, which would be really good and nicely paid - much more than I was on at my old job. Be nice if that came about.

Being jobless is the worst thing in the world.

Lyrics (more)

2008-11-23T23:35:00.001Z

Another Evanescence:

Everybody's Fool

Perfect by nature
Icons of self indulgence
Just what we all need
More lies about a world that

Never was and never will be
Have you no shame? Don't you see me?
You know you've got everybody fooled

Look here she comes now
Bow down and stare in wonder
Oh how we love you
No flaws when you're pretending
But now I know she

Never was and never will be
You don't know how you've betrayed me
And somehow you've got everybody fooled

Without the mask, where will you hide?
Can't find yourself lost in your lie

I know the truth now
I know who you are
And I don't love you anymore

It Never was and never will be
You don't know how you've betrayed me
And somehow you've got everybody fooled

It never was and never will be
You're not real and you can't save me
Somehow now you're everybody's fool

Lyrics

2008-11-23T23:28:00.000Z

Some Evanescence lyrics that match me and A.

Going Under

Now I will tell you what I've done for you -
50 thousand tears I've cried.
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you -
And you still won't hear me.
(going under)
Don't want your hand this time - I'll save myself.
Maybe I'll wake up for once (wake up for once)
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom

I'm Dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through
I'm going under

Blurring and stirring - the truth and the lies.
(So I don't know what's real) So I don't know what's real and what's not (and what's not)
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore

I'm Dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through

I'm...

So go on and scream
Scream at me I'm so far away (so far away)
I won't be broken again (again)
I've got to breathe - I can't keep going under

I'm Dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through

I'm going under (going under)
I'm going under (drowning in you)
I'm going under

Randomness ...

2008-11-23T22:50:00.003Z

... and me.

On a current high, cos someone just showed me something on cam (not as rude as you might think) and it was fun. So, in the spirit of certain other blogs, and following the recent poll about what you want to see here (a big portion of you voted for "Random Shite"), here's a few random-shite facts about Me.

I like dance, drum and bass, and similar styles, even though I'm a classically trained musician.
I didn't masturbate to orgasm until i was nearly 15 years old.
I currently have 3 televisions in my flat, all belonging to me, even though only I live here.
I own a PS3, an Xbox 360, a PS2, a Gameboy, and about 6 PCs.
I once ran up a 1,000 pound telephone bill on my brother's pc (Yes, downloading porn) and let him pay it. It's the worst thing I've ever done to him :( It was 14 years ago.

There. Random Shite delivered, as requested :D

Weekend

2008-11-23T13:12:00.002Z

Another pointless and shitty weekend, completely alone. I struggled through yesterday. Got a call from someone I know, he was in the area wanted to buy me lunch - I said no, because I was just depressed, didn't want to go anywhere.

I sit here, having a less than ideal experience in World of Warcraft... Played Final Fantasy X earlier. It's a measure of the depth of this depression that games aren't entertaining me.

It's clear I'm worthless - A doesn't want to see me or be near me, the feller I was sposed to meet up with last weekend I haven't even seen online since, someone else online seems to not be willing to take time out of his busy schedule that we can meet. I'm not worth anyone's time at all.

Quasi-Weekend

2008-11-21T16:46:00.004Z

Well, the last 2 days have felt like a weekend. I went, had my first interview, then spent the night at A's. The less said the better. He was ... horrible - defined as distant, barely communicative with me, and all over his MOTHERFUCKING girlfriend. I was there from about 5.30pm til I went to bed finally at midnight, getting more and more upset and depressed the entire time.

The next morning, he was up before me - I went downstairs. Within 2 minutes of me being there, he went upstairs. About an hour later, I went upstairs. He was on the pc. He said "Hi" and turned back. He was playing a game, which he came off from straight away and then just sat there looking at the monitor and not actually doing anything, as I stood half a room away.... just stood there. So I thought "Fuck you" and went back downstairs. He doesn't know it yet, but he's seen me for the last time. I've decided - I'm not going there again. And we already know that he won't come to see me. So that's the end of that. I'll still be thinking about him ALL the fucking time, of course - at least until I have someone else to fill his gap (ooer missus). My sex life is now reduced to watching str8 boys on webcam. And they're not even doing anything sexual for me. *sighs*

OK, so the rest of the time was spent interviewing (or fucking driving). The first was a gambling games company - not sure about that one. It's a senior post but at less than I'm on currently. Not good. Similar with the other one - it's a senior post but this feller said that 30k is WAY too much :( They were both weird interviews.

Anyway, the MASSIVE news of the day - I'm now jobless. I was made redundant today. The company cutting costs, alla that crap. There's not enough money in the company to pay me what I'm now owed. How sucky? The director (or now, ex-director) of research of my (now ex-) company has already spoken to me about joining him in his next project. Will take a few weeks to set up - we'll see. I'm also in semi-discussions with another work colleague (ex-) about going into business with him on some IT contracts. Fingers in pies. Or rather, fingers hovering delicately OVER the pies, waiting for someone to push one in :D

On the drive back home yesterday, I got SEVERELY depressed and had to stop the car. Nearly cried a couple of times. I hate feeling like this all the time. Hopefully, now that A is out of my life, I can start to heal.

101...

2008-11-18T16:12:00.004Z

... Posts, not dalmations :D How exciting? :D And I STILL don't have nearly as many hits as Mirrorboy.... Damn you, Mirror!!!! ;+)

(Who is the fairest boy of them all?)

Fnnies

2008-11-17T17:40:00.001Z

Had to share these with you. I'm sure theyre all old now, but wtf :D

** SALAD DODGER.*
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

** SWAMP-DONKEY*
A deeply unattractive person.

** TESTICULATING.*
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

** BLAMESTORMING.*
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.

** SEAGULL MANAGER.*
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
then leaves.

** SALMON DAY..*
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.

** CUBE FARM.*
An office filled with cubicles.

** PRAIRIE DOGGING.*
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be
cake.)

** SINBAD.*
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

** AEROPLANE BLONDE.*
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

** PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.*
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.

** AUSSIE KISS.*
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

** OH - NO SECOND.*
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

** GREYHOUND SKIRT.*
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

** JOHNNY-NO-STARS.*
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food rest au rants often wear to
show their level of training.

** MILLENNIUM DOMES.*
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

** MONKEY BATH .*
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

** MYSTERY BUS.*
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people
so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

** MYSTERY TAXI.*
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in
your bed instead.

** BEER COAT.*
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
At 3:00am .

** BEER COMPASS*.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
you got here, and where you've come from.

** BREAKING THE SEAL.*
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

** TART FUEL.*
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

** TRAMP STAMP*
Tattoo on a female

** PICASSO BUM*.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got 4 buttocks

Jobs

2008-11-17T09:36:00.003Z

Completely failed to contact A's mum this weekend. Her phone has been off the entire time. Makes it quite hard to arrange to stay at theirs on weds... I might have to get a room at a B&B or something for the night, which would suck, and be expensive.

I'm wondering if a "showdown" with A would be counterproductive. I hate it when he gets upset, and even more so when he's upset because of me. So maybe just letting it all fade away might be better. Harder for me, but easier for him.

"Friends"

2008-11-17T08:23:00.002Z

Peter is having issues with his friend Alex which aren't a million miles distant from what I've been going through with A. How unfair is it for someone to say they're your friend and then treat you like total shit? Pisses me off.

Jobs (Yet again)

2008-11-15T10:48:00.001Z

2 interviews next week up north. I'm gonna see if I can stay the night at A's on Wednesday, then on Thursday I'm gonna finally break off all contact with him. Slightly callous to use him for what I need on weds night (a bed, not a shag), perhaps, but he's used me for stuff before so I don't care.

Job (again)

2008-11-14T10:13:00.002Z

This post may have some geek - apologies for any inconvenience. :D

Well, the first job, which was in Reading... Interview went ok-ish. I didn't bone up on my technical bits cos the agency told me there wouldn't BE a technical part - but there was. Bastards. So, I didn't shine there - it was C#, which isn't my best skill. The job also involves VB6, which I hate. The saving grace was that the technical lead at the company also hates it :D

Anyway, I suspect not the job for me. They're all engineers as much as software developers - they do electronics design, PCBs, firmware. OMG theyre really clever :D They need someone though who is JUST a software developer. Meh, we'll see what happens.

2 interviews now lined up for next week, talking to an agency about a job with Sony as well. The Sony one would be quite interestsing - writing network middleware for games. But they require certain experience I don't have. We'll see what happens. :)

Job

2008-11-12T14:13:00.003Z

I have an interview tomorrow and an interview next week. The first one is near (ish) Reading, and the other is in Chester. Rent in Chester is a little more than Bolton, and is too far away from Bolton to commute - but the job sounds interesting and ideal! :D

WOOHOO! :+)

2008-11-10T00:26:00.002Z

John/Yellow is FINISHED! :) yay :D My first completed piece in 12 years. And it's gone through a number of revisions. I especially want to thank Col for his input - quite invaluable :)

For anyone who is interested, the three movements are here. Make sure you listen in the right order :D

As I said to Col as I was working on the final notes, what I love about this piece is the fact that it came from a single movement piece, and as such I was not afraid to base that single movement on a very small amount of musical material. Now that I have rewritten it into three movements, each one uses exactly the same material - but treats it in such a vastly differeny way each time. It's so splendid! :D I bet if I set out to do that, it'd turn out rubbish :D This way has worked marvellously.

2008-11-09T20:18:00.002Z

This is me. I realise this may come as a shock, cos the picture above is of Norma, the lesbian from Shameless, and not actually of me. However, I relate to her immensely. She's in love with Monica, despite the fact that Monica is not, and never has been (she eventually realises), in love with Norma. Norma ends up living in a camper van outside Monica's house when Monica goes back to Frank, her husband.

I wonder if that's what I'm doing by moving to Bolton. Am I going to go and live in a camper van outside A's house (figuratively)? And end up with an asian lesbian, like Norma finally does? :) We can hope not the second, but I might find someone in Bolton...

By the way, I do recommend Shameless SO much. Plenty of totty in it too, for the eyes :D

Having just watched many Shameless (and napped), then Silent Hill (truly AMAZING film!), and finally almost a full episode of Jeeves and Wooster, I feel ... satisfied. I have the theme tune from J&W in my head, which I saw was written by Anne Dudley - class! :D

Morning

2008-11-09T08:46:00.002Z

Been up 4 hours now (its 8.45am), had a solo moment (quite an extended one in fact), a shower, watched the last 4 episodes of stargate sg1 series 10 (major anticlimax or wot?), and thought about A the whole time. So much stuf needs doing in the flat, and I can't muster the energy to even get breakfast, now.

I'm waiting for something nice to happen to me that I can post. Don't hold your breath, sweetees.

Awake

2008-11-09T05:08:00.002Z

Early Morning Waking is back. :( I have a song in my head from Hairspray, its the song over the credits. It's annoying me cos it makes me want to watch it, but the dvd is at work (What? I have to have SOMETHING to do at work ;+)

But really, I'm just fedup (as it says on my MSN currently). A big part of the reasons that I play world of warcraft is the community aspect. No other game in the history of gaming has ever demanded as much time out of me - not even Final Fantasy VII or X. I am in a casual raiding guild on my main server, and lately I've been falling out with the guild leader, to the extent that I no longer wish to be in that guild. So that robs me of most of my enjoyment from the game. *sighs*

Happiness rules my world, as usual.

Slut

2008-11-09T04:48:00.002Z

I always considered that if I had the opportunity, I'd be something of a megaslut. If I went out more, was more self-confident (ok, MUCH MUCH more self-confident), thinner etc - all the things I hate about myself were "corrected", then I'd shag (or at least suck) anything that came near with a cock.

However, since starting this blog, and surfing the gay blogosphere, I've been reading quite a bit, and I come across a few blogs of boys that do this. I read them and think "This is stupid, how can you do that?". Seems that either my position has changed, or I'm just not the whore I hoped I was ;) Sex to me seems an expression of emotion, which is why doing what I did manage to do 2 years ago with A was the best I ever had without a doubt. Not that I'm against a casual moment, but I think it would pretty much always have to be with someone I know - I couldn't cruise to get laid.

Speaking of which, I'm hooked up for next saturday with a Bi guy I've been flirting with on World of Warcraft for the past year or two. Finally, we've arranged to meet up. He doesn't seem completely against the idea of a cock-related incident, so hopefully things will go nicely. No, I'm not in love with him, so while it will be fun, I'll probably be thinking of A the whole time - like I do 24/7 :P

Emotional

2008-11-07T10:29:00.002Z

News today - the cheque has arrived at work. Well, at our registered office in London. Meaning the CEO has to go there, get the cheque, get to the bank, pay it in and then beg for the ability to draw against it. So, might get some pay today, even! :) Course, until I get my new debit card, I can't actually access any of it. Damn ;)

Having an emotional day today. Quite unsurprising. Been nearly in tears twice at work. But I'm sure youre right, Mr Doctor - I can't be clinically depressed, can I? FUCK YOU! I used to like my doctor in Datchet. This one in Reading is a twat. I stopped taking all my pills months ago. I dread to think what my cholesterol is now. The one thing I can say is that I do (on the whole) eat better than I did a year ago. MUCH better. Hardly perfect for a type-2 diabetic, but preferable.

Discovered last night that someone on Warcraft has been lying to me since he started speaking to me. Lying about EVERYTHING. I used to think that the worst thing someone could do to me is to promise to do something and then not do it. I was wrong. The worst is to fucking LIE to me. :@

I have a friend on warcraft who is so fab. He is there to listen to my outpouring of bullshit, offer comments (and usually, what is correct, not what I want to hear :+) It's nice to have someone like that.

Bloggery

2008-11-06T16:49:00.005Z

Found a fascinating blog today. Inspector Gadget - I've put it in my blogroll. It's very well written - indeed, the author has written a book - and just really quite eye-opening. As I read it, reaching back through time into Gadget's experiences, I found myself reminded of a chapter in Neal Stephenson's Snowcrash, which is one of my all time favourite books. Here is the link - I decided not to post the whole thing on here cos it's really quite long, and didn't want to annoy anyone :+)

If you like the passage and feel its resonance, let me know :)

Pay

2008-11-06T14:50:00.001Z

Might get money next week. Anything's possible ;) Apparantly the cheque the company is waiting for was released last week. So naturally, we don't have it yet. All will make sense eventually, I'm sure.

:(

2008-11-05T15:20:00.002Z

Spoke to A today, after 5 days of silence. We discussed the issue, at least until he ran away from the conversation as usual. He finally admitted, after some insistence from me, that the real reason he doesn't want to come is he doesn't want to be away from his gf for a week. I think there's more even than that.

Now, I have decide how to move forward. I asked him if he would be bothered either way if I moved to Bolton or not. He said yes he would but its up to me and I shouldn't think about him when im deciding. Quite valid. Financially speaking, I am going to struggle a lot to stay in Reading. I realise that a big portion of the reason I was moving to Bolton was A, of course.

I don't know what to do. I hate decisions like this :(

Links

2008-11-04T10:26:00.002Z

Tpr commented on my unhappy post of this morning, and this led me to read his blog, and found that he had referenced a post of mine. I feel a teeny bit better from that. Therefore, I'm going to reference HIS post and open a discussion, of sorts.

Tpr says in there that the man he's seeing ended their convo with "XXX: Right, I'm going to go do something productive", suggesting of course that the conversation was worthless. That's exactly how I feel about how A has been with me. His refusal to come and see me just means that I'm not worth the effort in his eyes.

Tpr also said "it's been one fucking awful rollercoaster ride and several times, one or other of us has tried to get off the ride but we keep coming back for more" - I can relate SO much. Is it love or obsession that draws me back? A friend I play Warcraft with says he doesn't understand how I can love someone who doesn't return the feeling. *sigh*

Fighting

2008-11-04T08:42:00.005Z

I'm fighting my depression. I'm fighting it so hard, but its difficult. Feel like I've been crying all day, but I haven't actually shed a single tear. Even in work, I feel like crying :+( Been awake since 6am, which isn't too good - better than 3am, though. I can't get past how horrible what A did was. At least, to me it was horrible. If you say you're going to do something, then you fucking do it.

Fuck it. Almost no one reads this anyway. To prove it, here's a log from statcounter showing the visit length of recent visits. The BIIIIIIG green bit is "Under 5 seconds".
As you can see two thirds of the hits to my blog are clearly either webcrawler bots, or attempts to get data like email addresses and such. Bag of shite.

Finished

2008-11-02T22:46:00.003Z

John/Yellow is now rewritten into 3 movements which total around 6mins 30. I'm quite happy with it. The first two movements needed a fair bit of extension from what they were in the original, and I've swapped around sections one and two in the final movemental structure. If you want to hear it, give me a shout and I'll send you the midis :+)

I'm next going to work on a large chamber group work. The last one of these I wrote was called "Imaginary Toyshop" and was rather enjoyable to work on. It had about three or four different systems that ran simultaenously. Hope I can craft something as complex and interesting this time.